What does a man want? Even more important: Do you know what he wants in a serious relationship with you?
Men are truly not that complicated.
When it comes to our needs in a relationship, we don’t have a whole lot that you need to worry about.
But you do have to be sure that you’re not trying to give him what YOU want – instead of what HE wants.
It’s one of the most common mistakes people make. They tend to give other people what it is they themselves are looking for instead of what the other person really wants.
Men don’t want exactly the same thing you do, or even at the same time. A lot of it overlaps, but you have to know how men think – and when they think it.
Some of the advice you’ve probably heard that men want:
- Get to his heart through his stomach – cook for him
- Satisfy him in the bedroom like no one else
- Be a difficult bitch with him
- Be nice to him and never ask for anything
The problem with this kind of advice is that there are small bits of Truth in them. The unfortunate part is that it’s not explained so you’re going to make a ton of mistakes trying to apply it.
Let’s jump into what men want in a serious relationship…
WANT #1: Safety First!
One of the most misunderstood needs men have is safety.
It’s not physical safety he needs, it’s emotional safety.
Men understand that they are not as well equipped for handling their emotions. They know that they don’t have the same kind of emotional IQ that a woman does.
Women are better at relationships, while men are better at rising to the challenge and chasing/hunting you.
But he does understand it’s at a very Primal level that he needs a woman that will keep him in a safe bubble for him to express and show his feelings. This requires you to be stronger and smarter as a woman.
How do you make a man feel safe?
Well it just so happens that I created a program to help women do this called The Connection Code. Because it takes a lot of understanding how men work to know how to do this right.
But briefly, the way you make him feel safe is to make sure he never feels like he’s going to be insulted or shamed or put down by you for expressing any emotion.
Men grow up knowing that if they express emotions in front of another man who is not himself a mature and balanced person, he will probably be ridiculed. Possibly even BEATEN UP! (Women don’t typically ever experience this.)
This feels horrible to a man, probably the worst thing he can experience.
If he’s even suspects that you will react this way – negatively, you will never get him to connect with you.
He will simply use you for physical intimacy and move on to the woman who does show him safety.
One of the best ways to explain this is to give you an example of when he doesn’t feel safe:
A man needs to know he’s going to be heard by you when he talks about his feelings or the difficult things he’s experiencing.
Unfortunately, what many women do is to ruin this sense of safety when he’s talking about his feelings. Very often she will not hear him out completely. She will also typically interrupt him to move him forward in the conversation faster.
She gets impatient when he’s taking so long to explain himself, so she jumps in and tries to get there first. What this does is it feels like a disconnect – and he shuts down.
There is a pretty good chance you’ve experienced this in a relationship with a guy, especially in conversation.
Unfortunately, you may not have noticed when it happened. But I can tell you he sure noticed. And he went on guard and made a decision to be very careful about doing that ever again with you.
Of course you would have fixed this in the moment, but you probably didn’t know what happened. This is why it’s so important to understand how men connect.
You see the problem is that if you don’t catch this and fix it, it’s like starting the timer on the end of your relationship.
This is why I teach this in my programs and coaching, from a man’s point of view. That’s something I can do for you that almost no other female dating and relationship advisor can do.
WANT #2: He Wants To Chase YOU…
This one is tricky, but I have to make sure you know about it.
Far too many women are chasing men.
There was a time when I could have just left it at that. Not too long ago, women knew that chasing men was really a bad idea. They understood the concept of being a little hard-to-get.
But today? This is an epidemic problem.
One of the most common situations that I coach women on who are losing the man they love is that they are also chasing him everywhere.
And as a result, they are scaring him off.
A guy will not go into a serious relationship with you unless you allow him to chase you. It’s what we are born to do.
You may have heard that men are Hunters. This is one of the most important things for you to recognize about men.
Men absolutely want to “hunt you” and win you.
If you’re chasing him, there’s no way he can ever hunt you. In fact it’s the most disappointing experience a man can have in a relationship.
Think about it like this:
- If every football team got a Super Bowl trophy and ring at the start of the season, do you think they would work hard to go to the Super Bowl?
This is probably the most obvious and dumbest question you’ve heard all year, but I have to ask it.
The obvious answer is NO, they would not work very hard. They probably just coast all the way through the season. They wouldn’t train hard because they wouldn’t have to to win.
Don’t fool yourself. We work hardest for something we don’t have yet.
This is a universal rule of LIFE.
And yet this is exactly what women are messing up when they chase men.
- When they give in too easily…
- When they text him all the time…
- When they tell him they love him all the time…
- When they do all the work…
There are just so many ways that women chase men and scare them out of relationships.
If you’re doing this now, make a resolution to never chase him again.
It’s a man’s job to chase women. If anyone is telling you any different, they’re lying to you and destroying your chances at a happy relationship.
You know deep down inside that you want him to desire you. And you want him to show it.
The only way to get him to do this is to get him to chase you.
End of story.
WANT #3: Respect.
This is one area that men and women are exactly alike. We both want respect in our relationships.
Interestingly though, men want to see it a little bit differently than you might see it.
A man needs to feel respected for his ability to provide and take care of you. That’s the one kind of respect he absolutely needs to have.
Again, one of the best ways to explain this is through the use of a negative example.
One of the ways that women show that they do not respect their man is by belittling him or diminishing him as a man. It could be as simple as small sly comments you make to your friends in his presence or even when he’s not around.
There are a million ways we show disrespect. Most of which we probably don’t even realize we’re doing.
One of the best things you can do is to ask him how he likes to feel respected. Ask him what things in the past have made him feel that way.
And then listen with every ounce of attention you have.
The unfortunate truth is that most women use respect manipulatively. They only give a man respect when they want something.
All the rest of the time, she just puts up with him. Which really shows that she’s probably just using him.
Don’t be this woman.
WANT #4: Manage Him
This one might be a little controversial for some. But ultimately it’s in the best interest for a man.
You see, most men understand that they need a little bit of managing. He understands that he’s got some annoying qualities. There’s some places in his life he just didn’t get put in its place properly when he was acting out.
Maybe he’s got a mom that never corrected him. Maybe his dad is just a wishy-washy fool.
(This is why you need to meet his family – it’s the most essential way to find out what your man is made of.)
But he understands at a very Primal level that he’s got some qualities that you can help him with.
- You can help him stop cleaning his ears with his keys
- You can help him stop adjusting his junk in public
- You can help him adjust his vocabulary to avoid those embarrassing words
- You can teach him the value of foreplay
I know I know, so much to do in so little time.
But if you can find a compassionate and gentle way to keep a man within the boundaries of more sophisticated Behavior, he will adore you for it.
It doesn’t mean that you nag him or embarrass him in front of others. This obviously goes against the respect rule.
You can find a healthy balance of blowing the whistle when he goes out of bounds. He wants you to do this!
WANT #5: Give Him Some Passes
Let’s face it none of us is perfect. Least of all your man.
The unfortunate thing is that most women want to perfect their man. Beyond a rational limit.
They don’t understand that sometimes you just have to leave a few things in the rough.
Guys are always going to have some rough edges. You’re always going to have some rough edges.
Beware this tendency to try and perfect him.
- To change him…
- To make him into someone he may not be…
He doesn’t want to feel like your perpetual self improvement project.
You have to give him a pass every so often. He’s going to have qualities that you simply can’t change. You might not like them, so you might as well get used to them and not get activated and upset over them.
(I guarantee you he’s giving you a pass with a lot of your qualities!)
WANT #6: Have a Life
If you’ve ever had a guy say that he wants you to have your own life, what he means might have been misunderstood.
There’s also a very good chance he’s never told you this directly.
You see, most men notice that women often make the process of getting a man their sole goal in life. And he can tell this when you focus exclusively on your relationship and put very little attention or focus on your own goals.
He needs you to be pursuing your own happiness at the same time at the same time as this relationship. He’s happy to go along, but he doesn’t want to BE your happiness.
If he feels like he’s the only focus in your life, that’s going to be scary to him. He will be sensing waves of neediness and he will worry about your insecurity level.
He also doesn’t want to feel like he will immediately be taking on a family, a mortgage, a new SUV payment … you get the picture.
So be sure to let him know at every turn how you already have a life. You’ve already got goals of your own, and you are pursuing them.
And if you’re not, you better get on them real quick. Because guys do see this – and we DO notice!
WANT #7: Appreciate and accept him
If you really want a serious relationship with him, you better really grasp this want of his.
If there’s one thing that will make a man bond to you and love you for the rest of his life it’s how much you appreciate and accept him for who he is.
In fact, just accepting him already hits on two of the previous wants in this list.
Even if he’s not doing the best job of it, he still needs appreciation to keep going. And that’s the part that may boggle you a little bit. He might not be The Brightest Bulb in the socket, but he expects to be treated like the king of his castle.
This will rub you wrong if you think he wants something that is out of line with the value he brings to your relationship.
But the truth is you’ll never get a man by making him feel anything less than being The King.
And if you make him feel like a king, guess who gets to be the Queen?
No matter how much you might feel he does not deserve it, HE feels he deserves it.
And if you don’t feel he deserves it, why are you there in the first place anyways?
- You don’t have to cater to his ego and make him think he’s something he’s not.
- This doesn’t mean you have to make yourself feel like the court jester, or that you need to inflate his ego falsely.
But you’re kidding yourself if you think YOU can be the King and he’ll be happy with that. There’s too much confusing and inaccurate information out there today about gender roles as it is.
Of course you also have to give him a realistic amount of feedback. If he’s being a whiney brat, put him back in his place! (See #4 above)
The one thing you MUST do is make sure that he knows you appreciate him and accept him for who he is right now.
This is why women who make men their self improvement projects usually fail. Because they’re breaking this rule right off the bat.
- If a man doesn’t feel accepted by you, he will never reveal his true emotions to you
- He will never commit to you
- He will never consider you as The One
If you’re having trouble accepting him in this moment, then you probably will never be able to accept him later on.
And if you find it hard to make him feel good about himself in your relationship, that’s a huge problem.
Ask yourself: What it is that is keeping you from feeling that he is just fine the way he is?
- Did you possibly settle for someone you shouldn’t have?
- Is he more of a fixer-upper than you should have taken on?
- Do you have exceptionally high standards?
This is worth investigating, because if you want to give a man what he wants in a serious relationship, you have to be able to make him feel empowered in the moment.
In the end, you have to know what a man wants to FEEL in your relationship if you’re going to be his “forever” woman.
In fact, I created a short video about how to make him desire you and how to make him love you…