I’m a dating coach, so believe me: I see your pain. I see you working to get your profile perfect so you can appeal to your ideal woman. I watch you pore over your profile photos, get all the adjectives just right, and send out artfully crafted messages. And when you finally start dating someone you like, it’s celebration time. Things couldn’t be better. Well, except for one thing. After a few months of dating, you realize her Tinder account is still active.
Welcome to the oh-so-lovely world of online dating. It’s definitely not like the old days where you ask her to go steady and lock it down with a promise ring. Today’s dating world changes quickly. It’s hard to keep up… and even harder to know where you stand.
So the question becomes, do you call her out?
You might be surprised to hear me say this, but generally, the answer is no. Calling her out on her Tinder profile will make you look over sensitive and insecure if you’re still in the early stages of dating.
Nowadays, people shop around. While it’s easy to get attached to someone when you first start dating, it’s healthy to explore as many opportunities as you can first. That’s why I recommend MegaDating to everyone.
Of course, not all cases are the same. So in this post, I want to go over both sides of the issue. Let’s take a look at why you shouldn’t confront her if her Tinder account is still active (and the one reason why you should).
Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Call Her Out
Despite what you may think, calling her out could actually cause more problems than it solves. Some reasons why you shouldn’t say anything if you notice her Tinder account is still active might be…
You don’t really want a relationship.
Before you pull out your phone and send her that crazy, all-caps text, think about what it will mean. If you confront her, you’ll give her the message that you want to be exclusive. Is that actually true?
Be careful what you wish for. What if you ask her why her Tinder account is still active, and she immediately apologizes and takes it down? You may have gotten what you wanted, but also something you didn’t want… a girlfriend. (Trust me, if you tell her to take down her Tinder and then don’t date her exclusively after that, she’ll be more than pissed.)
Maybe this is obvious. But you’d be surprised how many guys don’t really think about it. And I get why.
Men are very action-oriented. “Her Tinder account is still active… I need to do something!” you might think. Guys are praised for making quick decisions and moving forward, sometimes at lightning speed. But that doesn’t always work if the right response is to wait.
Take some time to really get to know her. Sure, she may be hot. And these days, it may be hard to find good-looking prospects who aren’t totally wacko. But is she really the right one for you?
If you don’t have an answer for that yet, don’t push the envelope by insisting that she get off Tinder. Not only will that lock things down too early, but you’ll give her the impression that you don’t think you’re good enough to compete. Bad move.
She’s not that into you.
Before you go all out and ask why her Tinder account is still active, consider the fact that she’s not that interested in you. That doesn’t mean that things won’t change. But it won’t help your case if you get all butt-hurt about it.
Take a breath and try to figure out if she seems interested in being with you, or not. Then you’ll know whether you should confront her or not.
If she’s into you, she probably texts or calls you on a regular basis (you don’t have to always reach out to her first). Likely, you’ve met her family… or at least some of her friends. She’s stayed over at your place more than once and has even started to leave her stuff there (toothbrush, hair stuff, an extra change of clothes, etc.) She talks about taking a trip with you someday (damn that Corona) and hints at the possibility of a long-term future.
Now, if she’s NOT into you… well, you’ll know that too. When you call or text her, she’ll take hours — maybe even more than that — to respond. She won’t make much of an effort to integrate you into her life. You won’t know her friends or her family. She won’t be very affectionate. Maybe she’ll even talk about other guys. If you were to be really honest, she’ll treat you more like a friend (or worse, a meal ticket).
If you see signs that she’s not really that into you, don’t bother asking why her Tinder is still active. You should know.
Her Tinder account is still active… but you haven’t had “the talk.”
Let’s say she does show signs that she likes you. You feel confident that she sees you as boyfriend material even though she’s still on Tinder. Have you had an explicit conversation about where you stand? Have you both agreed to be exclusive? Or, are you assuming?
You need to be clear about what you want from her. If she doesn’t know, she can’t give it to you.
Honestly, though, I wouldn’t consider dating exclusively until you’ve gone out at least eight times, had sex, and met people in her life (family/friends). Without those things, you really don’t know a person well enough to decide whether you’re compatible. And if you both haven’t explicitly stated that you’re in a monogamous relationship, then there’s no harm in either of you continuing to date.
In fact, if you’re not ready to have “the talk” yet, you both should be MegaDating. I recommend this to both men and women to really get to know the dating market, build their confidence, and — this is most important — get rid of all that nervous energy that comes with meeting up with multiple strangers you talk to online.
To MegaDate, you maximize your dating efforts to meet as many people as possible. I can show you how to do this in my private and group coaching programs.
Then, once you get to the point of seeing 15 people in 30-60 days (it helps to stack 2 dates on weekend days and keep all first dates to less than one hour) you’ll start to see the benefits. Your tension around dating will ease, making it easier to hone in on what you want. By the time you meet the “one,” you’ll be so good at presenting yourself that things will go effortlessly.
Your attachment style is getting in the way.
If you follow my articles, then you know I often talk about identifying your attachment style. It’s such a great tool to help you recognize problem behaviors. And in this case, your attachment style could be the reason why you’re so anxious to find out why her Tinder account is still active.
Let me back up first. There are four main attachment styles that predict how people act in relationships.
The healthiest attachment style is “secure.” That means you are confident in yourself and the fact that you deserve love. You don’t need to chase people and have no problem giving them space when they need it. On the other hand, you give love freely. Being emotionally intimate doesn’t scare you, so you tend to be very open and loving in relationships.
The other (unhealthy) attachment styles are “anxious” and “avoidant.” If you have an anxious attachment style, you don’t feel confident that your partner will be there for you. So you become clingy in order to keep their attention. Your partners tend to get tired of your insecure vibe and pull away.
Those with avoidant attachment styles will shy away from intimacy. (This is why they tend to react the most to anxious partners!) Avoidants are hyper-independent and never want to get too close. They need their space, but often ask for it excessively.
So what does this all mean? If you’ve been dating only three months and are worried that her Tinder account is still active, you may have an anxious attachment style. If you do, then you’re probably reacting out of insecurity. See this post or read the book Attached to learn more about attachment theory and see what your style is. If you can curb your anxious ways, you won’t need to confront her about anything.
You’re still on Tinder yourself!
How do you know her account is still active? Is it because you’re creeping too?
Like attracts like. If you’re on the app, then do you really need to question her about it? Most likely, if she’s checking Tinder, she sees you’re on there, too. She might be waiting for the day when your profile says it’s deleted before removing hers. So until you’re ready to do that, you should probably keep quiet.
Or… you could man up and have that awkward conversation. If you’re sure you want to be exclusive and you know she’d be into that, then bring it up gently. Say that even though you’re both on Tinder, it would be great to put the dating apps on pause and see where things go. Don’t make it accusatory, and don’t make it about her. Otherwise, she’ll just get angry and defensive.
When to Say Something If Her Tinder Account is Still Active
As I said at the beginning of this post, I see only one reason to call a woman out if you notice her Tinder account is still active. That is…
She’s actually cheating.
Are you in a committed, monogamous relationship that you both agreed to?
Maybe you trusted her so much, your friend had to break it to you that she’s still on the app.
If so, that’s different. If this is the case, you want to ask her in person what the deal is. Try not to make assumptions here, but rather, ask questions that help you to understand her thought process.
She might have forgotten to delete her account. Maybe her profile is still up but she never checks it. Or if a friend told you, then maybe they were just wrong… so don’t jump to conclusions. You don’t want to come out guns blazing and ruin something good over a misunderstanding.
Of course, if she really is seeing other people behind your back, then you have a problem. Hopefully, that’s not the case, but if it is, calling her out was the right thing to do.
Her Tinder Account is Still Active: Wrap-Up
New relationships are touchy. Since you don’t know each other that well yet, you fear that everything could be a problem. When you see that her Tinder account is still active, it’s hard to keep your feelings in check.
But when you’re dating, you must realize your own worth. Immediately assuming that somebody else’s active profile is a sign of “relationship doom” doesn’t help the situation. It also doesn’t show you in your best light… so you could end up creating what you fear. It could turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy if your insecurity ends up turning her off. Then again, if she really is taking advantage of you, then you have to be confident enough to draw a boundary.
That’s why coaching can be so critical. To solve these kinds of subtle dating dilemmas, you need to know the ins and outs of how men and women think, as well as how to communicate in ways that don’t sabotage things. In my programs, you’ll learn the art of dating so well that you’ll make smarter decisions that are less reactive.
I offer private and group coaching sessions for anyone who wants to learn master-level dating techniques, making their dating life more fun, and ultimately find the person they want. Reach out to me (or another emlovz coach) for an intro call to get started. We’ll discuss your situation in more detail, co-create a short strategy, and see if our coaching or matchmaking programs are right for you.