If you’re wondering how to DM a woman on Instagram, you’ve found the right article. Why? Because I guarantee that your next girlfriend is on Instagram.
According to Pew Research, 67% of those between the ages of 18 and 29 are posting, liking, and sliding around on Instagram.
While 67% might not be as high as you had expected, let’s compare this to how many Americans in that same age bracket are on dating apps. Just 48% of young Americans have at one time or another downloaded a dating app.
If you’re ever wondering where the ladies at, it’s Instagram.
Not Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, or Facebook Dating, but IG.
I mean they’re there as well, but if you want to swim in the water with the most single fishies, Instagram is your best bet.
With this being the case it’s no surprise that men are always using IG to court women.
Sliding into one’s DM is now part of the modern dating lexicon.
For those not yet privy to the 2021 dating lingo, to “slide into one’s DMs,” means sending a direct message to someone on IG or Twitter with the hope of connecting romantically.
I know the imagery and feeling elicited from the thought of sliding into something might sound a tad douchey, but it doesn’t have to be. At least not if you follow this advice.
But first, let’s look at some of the benefits of sliding into her DMs versus hitting her up via a dating app.
The Benefits of DM’ing a Woman on Instagram
Elo Isn’t Blocking Your C**k
Have you ever asked your female friends to rate you from 1-10?
I’m sure you have, it’s only natural to want to know how other women view you.
Well it turns out Tinder records the behavior of every woman that’s ever swiped left or right on your profile. The culmination of these swipes is your ELO score.
Basically the more right swipes you receive the higher your score, however, each score is weighted differently. Receiving a swipe from a highly coveted woman is valued more than one received from a user that’s substantially less coveted.
So what does Tinder and the like do with these scores?
Well, ya see, it’d make little sense to always show you the least coveted woman on Tinder because you’d always swipe left. The converse would happen with the most desired woman.
Tinder tends to show you only to women that have similar ELO scores. By primarily swiping through women that are about as desirable as you are, you’re likely to score more matches and use the app more frequently.
IG is liberating in that there is no sexy score that impedes you from viewing the profiles of others. In this way, IG is a much more egalitarian platform that gives individuals that would never have been paired up via an online dating app the opportunity to connect and learn about each other on a much deeper level.
Slide-In Whenever You Want
Along with an ELO score, dating apps put up so many barriers that prevent you from even coming across her profile, much less match with it. That’s why matchmaking services like us here at emlovz exist.
To match with someone on a dating app you need to first satisfy their distance and age search preferences. You must then hope that you pop up in her queue. To do that you may need a comparable ELO score, may need to devote a copious amount of time on the app swiping through people, and hope that she does the same. Lastly, you must hope and pray that she actually swipes right on your profile thus connecting the two of you.
Even then the conversation that takes place must be so meticulously scripted in order to score her number or ask her out. It’s harder to chat it up with a woman via an online dating app than via IG. I say this because when you’re corresponding via a dating app, so your entire conversation is colored by the medium. It’s a dating app, so naturally, both parties will enter the conversation with certain goals and preconceived notions in mind.
On IG, this isn’t the case. Conversations can range and motivations for hitting someone up are diverse and not limited to romantic motives.
When you connect through Instagram, you don’t have to satisfy her search preferences or match.
You need only the wit and courage to pen an awesome opening line and then slide into her DMs.
She’s Always On IG
IG is the fifth most popular application in the United States.
I’m not referring merely to SM apps, but rather to every app available to Americans. As the fifth most popular app, the average user spends about 27 minutes a day, every day, on the app.
Tinder, by far the most popular dating app in the states, doesn’t even find itself within the top 50 most-used apps.
She clearly spends much more time checking IG than other apps.
If you shoot her a DM on Friday, she’ll see it on Friday.
That’s why learning how to DM a woman on Instagram is well worth your time.
Alternatively, if you send her a message on Hinge, chances are she won’t see it for a few days.
It should also be mentioned that many a woman is inundated by messages and matches on dating apps.
It’s common knowledge that women are heavily outnumbered on dating apps. This dearth of women changes the behavior of men. Instead of only swiping right on women that are around as desirable as themselves, men will swipe right on women that are few more and far less attractive than themselves. This being the case, women receive many more matches and messages than they can handle. It’s this constant stream of notifications from single men that can burn a female user out.
This is why women often either mute notifications from dating apps or only seldomly check them.
There’s No Time Limit Or Massive Queue
Something happens every time you score a match on Bumble, the second most popular dating app in the US.
After you’re done celebrating, the clock starts.
On Bumble, after a match happens, the female user has 24 hours to reach out to the male user. If she doesn’t text within 24 hours the match expires.
But even on other apps a similar phenomenon takes place.
If you shoot Ximena a message on Thursday and she checks her Tinder on Sunday (as so many users do) it’s likely that your message will already be buried under more recent messages.
Unless the woman you’re hitting up is an influencer you won’t have this problem on IG. DMs don’t expire and chances are she won’t have an inbox full of unread DMs.
Though the question still stands… how do you DM a girl on Instagram?
How To DM A Girl On Instagram
We’ve gone over the advantages of DMing someone on IG, versus messaging on a dating app. Now let’s dive into the tactics, strategies, and tips that you should use when sliding into her DMs.
It’s Not The Size Of Your Followers That Matters
If you’re hitting a woman up on IG with the ultimate goal of going out, she’s bound to check your IG bio.
So when she does counter-stalk you what will she be looking for?
Hint, it won’t be the number of followers you do or don’t have.
Women generally don’t care how many people follow you (especially if your account is private).
Unless you have an inordinate amount of followers (think influencer status) or less than 100, she won’t care about how many people follow you.
What matters exponentially more are your photos.
Don’t use photos that have poor lighting, where you look bored or angry, where your friends look bored or angry, that look violent in any way, etc.
Ideally, you’d want to seamlessly slot your IG photos onto your Tinder or Hinge account. Before you post your next IG photo, ask yourself if you’d be willing to post it to a dating app. If not, maybe choose a different photo.
Photos on your IG account should clearly showcase what you look like and who you are.
You always want your 6 most recent photos to do this.
The six most recent photos should contain the following:
- A sporty photo
- A hobby photo
- A close-up headshot
- A fun group shot
- A dog pic
- A full body shot
If you don’t play sports or have a dog, bummer cause that would really help you out, but it’s okay.
What’s important is that you quickly humanize yourself by putting your personality on full display. What’s also crucial is that you show her what you look like. Why would she reply to a dude that only posts photos where his face is obscured? Would you message a girl whose face is blurry in almost every photo? I didn’t think so.
Follow-up On Social Media If You Matched And She Never Messaged You Back
Social media isn’t only used to connect with people you never matched with.
It’s also an acceptable medium to use to reach out to someone that you have matched with, viewed on a dating app, or already messaged on a dating application.
Use social media as a tool to fill in these holes in your dating app game.
Follow-ups are important for demonstrating persistence.
It isn’t creepy to be persistent… if it’s done right. To show you what a non-creepy opening message looks like, let’s have a look at Corey’s message below.
As you can see Corey’s a pretty straight shooter.
He first acknowledges that he could appear creepy. By acknowledging this he shows the emotional intelligence necessary to demonstrate that he isn’t in fact a creep. Then he lays out the scenario and explains why he’s reaching out. Thirdly he acknowledges that reaching out in this way is “unconventional” and ultimately he asks her out.
This is the perfect way to message someone that you connected with via a dating app but was never able to ask out.
Send a message to her every 48 hours until you’ve sent three messages.
After sending three it doesn’t matter how suave you are, you’re just a creep. She isn’t into it, so get the message and back off. This tactic can be used both on dating apps and IG.
Comment/Respond On IG Story > DM Message
Her social media inbox is at war.
Her inbox is the venue in which both men and women are forever warring against each other in the attempt to win her attention. To best other competitors you’ll need to be at the top of her queue. Appearing at the top will ensure that your message is seen.
To skip the line and find yourself at the front of the queue respond to her IG or FB story. When you comment on an IG or FB story, your message goes into her main message queue, rather than her secondary message cue where she might never look.
But simply being seen isn’t enough to win her attention and merit a response. The message you send must be worthy of her attention. Responding to a story of hers is a great way to begin a conversation.
Make the message about her content. Find a commonality or ask a question that piques her interest. When in doubt, make the conversation revolve around herself or something she likes.
This message will forever trump an out of the blue DM, especially one that’s sexual.
Let’s NOT Get Physical
Don’t talk physical.
If you ask the average female to use one word to describe the average guy that slides into their DMs, they’d probably say, sleazy.
That’s because most men act like 13-year-olds the second they get behind a screen.
Any and every woman can open her IG to find at least a few DMs from men that ask her to sit on his face.
It doesn’t matter how well trimmed your beard is or how nicely you ask, this request never works.
The last thing you want to do is come across as your average IG macking douchebag. This perception can be avoided at all costs by simply avoiding all sexy talk. Don’t make sexual requests, comment on her complexion, or ask where she bought her bikini.
Every other guy is messaging about her looks. Messaging in this way is overused, meaningless, and kinda creepy.
Comment instead on what she says in her posts or something you infer from a photo.
For example, if you see a photo of her in Bali you can write to her saying, “I Love Bali! Did you make it to “some cool place in Bali” during your travels?
Like & Comment On Her Posts
IG offers a variety of ways to get in touch with your newest crush.
Commenting and liking her posts is a great way to win her attention and affection.
She’s more likely to throw you a bone if you first indicate your interest through a like or comment (especially if she doesn’t receive many to begin with). This validation indicates that you’re already into her. Playing your cards and showing her you’re into her will make her more receptive to respond to your message. We all know that we’re more likely to be attracted to someone if we know they’re into us. The phenomenon is called reciprocal liking.
Liking or commenting on a post goes to the same place as her friends like and comments. Being that it’s mixed into the same place (feedback loop), she won’t register it as creepy, like she might have if you slid into her DMs. Not that DMs are bad, but commenting on posts will probably be more visible (so she won’t miss it) and she won’t have it already coded in her brain as the place where the creepers message her.
Post Stories On IG & FB
No one wants to date a guy whose life revolves around getting home from work as fast as he can so he can binge Bridgerton.
I mean sure that’s cool and all until the first season ends, then what?
Stuff your SM stories with interesting experiences.
This will show her that you’re the kind of guy that lives a life worth being a part of. But, showing that your life is dynamic and appealing isn’t the only reason to post more stories.
A much more sly reason to post is that posts are tracked.
Anyone that views your post will be noted. Look, folks don’t creep if they ain’t interested.
Catching the woman you’ve been pursuing viewing all your posts is a pretty good indication that she’s into you. Having IG record every time she looks at your post should imbue you with the courage needed to ask her out.
Now that we’ve covered the tips and tricks needed to DM a girl on IG, it’s time to take a more detailed look at high-quality DMs.
How To DM A Woman On IG: 20 Examples Of DMs
1. Hey Sarah, I saw you on Bumble and thought I’d reach out here. Anytime I see a deep dish pizza lover, I’ve gotta connect…#soulfamily. Have you been to Capos on Vallejo?
You won’t come off as a creep if you message her citing a mutual interest as your reason for doing so. If you’ve already matched on a dating app, always acknowledge this connection in your initial message.
2. Lizzz, I’m digging the puppy posts! Saw you on Hinge and thought I’d reach out here in case you missed my message. I just got an English bulldog too and she’s a handful. Have you been to (dog park nearby)?
When in doubt steer the conversation towards your beloved pooches. This message also works because it also offers up a quality first date idea.
3. Hey Steph, I saw you on bumble and had to reach out because I’ve never met anyone who’s favorite book is the same as mine–The Giver! Between that and Catcher in the Rye, I can think of no better reads. Small world! Did you see Lois Lowry’s interview on Soul Pancake?
Everyone’s favorite word is their own name. Every message should begin with her name. Aside from this, this message works because it asks her a question. In this context, it’s best to open with a message that doesn’t ask her to think for hours and hours before responding.
4. Damn Erica. I saw that we matched on Tinder… which means that you’re kinda into me. And now I also see that you’re a tennis player… which means I’m kinda into you. Wanna hit?
If you can manage to be playful without being a creep do it.
5. Hey Jen… I just thought you should know that we’re soulmates.
This message will 100% get a response. But when it does you better bring the wit or have a good reason to back up your newfound conclusion. Most likely you’ll respond to her by expressing a shared interest that you just found out that you two had. If you don’t want to keep her guessing, send something like this…
6. Hey Jen… I just thought you should know that we’re soulmates. I’ve had HAIM on repeat since they released their new album.
You can decide if 5 or 6 works best for you.
7. (In response to a post of hers) So if you’re ever in need of someone to shit talk Brady with I’m just a DM away.
This is a light dangle. She may not bite at this one, but she won’t block you either. The more delicate the dynamic the less you’ll want to reveal. If she doesn’t take the bait hit her up again a few days later.
8. Hey Ana. It’s really difficult to find someone around here who likes making fun of anti-vaccers as much as myself. If you ever wanna shame someone into oh idk actually getting a vaccine, let me know.
We’re more polarized than ever. You can easily win the heart of someone by playing up that polarization and by explicitly informing them that you’re on their team.
9. Monty’s is the best! You should 100% try out their new sour. If you need a snobby craft beer drinker to accompany you I’ll be more than happy to stick my pinkie finger in the air with you.
Again, you don’t need to suggest a first date in the opening message. If this comes off too strong simply use the first portion of this message, “Monty’s is the best! You should 100% try out their new sour” and build from there.
10. Hey Sam. I’m just gonna be honest, I just moved to town and you look super cool. I could use some more cool people in my life. We should connect.
Honestly in a world of ghosting, fake people, and cat-fishing is refreshing. So refreshing it might even land you a first date.
11. Super random but has anyone ever told you, you look like Dua Lipa?
This message will only work if 1. your profile is dope, 2. no one’s previously told her she looks like that person, and 3. if she wants to look like that person or at least respects the person. This Instagram opening message does nothing more than plant the seed and ask for her attention.
12. Hey Stacy. I saw that you’re looking for someone to help with “xyz.” I have experience in that and am more than willing to chat about it. Feel free to text me whenever. Here’s my number “number”
A couple things about this one. If you’re genuinely interested in helping someone out or sharing your expertise, hit them up and tell them so. Sometimes the best way to court someone is to be something else prior to being lovers. Secondly, giving her your number like that can seem a little suspect. If you’re certain she’ll reach out give it to her, if not, perhaps chat a bit and make her work for it.
13. Hey Talia… it’s so weird that we have so many followers (and actual real friends) in common. I can’t believe we have never met before. How do you know Jan?
Jan’s your mutual friend who you both recently took photos with. This is your in.
Even though you have a mutual connection, this first message makes it pretty clear that you’re looking to meet up and get to know her. While that’s not bad, it’s the reality, so just be aware of what you’re doing. If you do in fact have a mutual connection, consider asking your friend for details about her before hitting her up.
14. Hey Ava, how is Bertha’s? I need a new coffee place.
This message shows no indication that you’re about to mack it up. This is both good and bad. Once she messages you back, consider asking her out for a cup of coffee this weekend.
15. Is it just me or did we match on Hinge recently? Also… is it just me or should we definitely fanboy over our love for “thing you two both mutual adore.”
Mutual connection + asking her out= a great freakin’ slide.
16. I know sliding into DMs is a frat move, but I’m tired of waiting for us to match on Tinder. We’re both into rock climbing, are super attractive, and always use the right amount of hashtags. I don’t need Tinder to tell me that we’re a match.
17. Yooo you’re at Vickk’s right now! I’m at Wiccan’s, we should definitely meet up and chat about how our beer tasks are superior to everyone else’s.
This one is risky and only works if you already have a decent rapport with this person. You only want to reveal that you know where they are and are close by if you’re just about certain that she’ll accept your invitation to hang.
18. So I had a great time chatting it up with you last night, but tragically forgot to get your number. We need to hang soon.
Worst case you were too scared or forgot to get her number in person you can always do it via IG.
19. Hey Jess. So I’m trying out this new thing called not ordering out every freakin’ day of the week, so I’m gonna need that recipe and any tips on cutting garlic that you have.
Well done my young Don Juan. Here you show her that you’re making a genuine attempt to improve yourself and are asking her for advice. This is a great way to build rapport and give her insight into your life.
20. I’m just gonna be honest, I’m super jealous that you’re on a bowling team and am looking for one myself. Know of anyone in need of another player?
Your ultimate goal is to be her romantic partner, but for now, you can settle for bowling partner.
Slide On In!
Sliding in without the support of a romantic lifeguard can be daunting.
Freshen up your skills by chatting with us via a 1-on-1 Zoom call with me or one of my colleagues today.
During the call we’ll go over all the moves needed to slide in without being tagged out (or reported). We’ll also tell you how our 12-week coaching program and matchmaking services can turn your dating life around.